Flawed in a Way

On this blog I’ve been talking openly about myself quite a lot. I’ve made articles about my personality, the way I view certain aspects of life and about things that I’ve experienced. Yet I’ve never made an article about something else that defines me: my flaws. It’s time for that to change, so this article will be all about one of my biggest flaws. Most people don’t know about it yet so I hope it’ll give them a bit more insight in the person I am. Also, maybe people can share their own views of this article as that would likely give me some new insights as well.

I don’t actually know the origin of the flaw, though I can venture a guess. It started when I was about 15/16 years old. My friends were all at the same age and it is at this time that you first start to go out. Going to pubs, clubs, it’s how everyone at that age spends his Saturday evening and night. However I was never really fond of going out to clubs. I didn’t like it, as I would often say ‘it wasn’t my thing’. My friends did like it though, so they went out to clubs a lot. Most of the time we would be spending a Saturday afternoon at a friend’s place just having fun when everyone would go out leaving me to go to bed.

Now you needn’t feel sorry for me, if you do :p. I love going to clubs now and have become much more ‘loose’ as a person than I was before. However one thing has always stuck. It’s quite hard to explain but I’ll do my best. When I’m alone in my room I can't help but shake the feeling that everyone around me is having a much better time than I am. I’m sitting here alone, not having much fun, but everyone around me is probably having a blast. They’re probably enjoying themselves doing activities they enjoy doing. These activities can be as simple as gaming, something which I often do myself. However, even when I’m gaming, an activity I enjoy doing, I can still get these feelings. I think you’re always having fun.

I can’t fathom the notion that the people around me have times at which they feel anxiety or where they are unhappy. I don’t believe they feel the same way as I do, and that they might have their ‘down’ moments as well. The realist in me knows that this is the case but my emotional side just can’t grasp the idea. In my world, if I’m sitting in my room doing nothing and you’re sitting in your room doing nothing, you’re having more fun. Even when writing it down the realist in my is laughing at the mere notion but it’s something that feels very real and it’s the way I’ve been feeling or as long as I can remember.

Does this feeling bother me to a degree that I can’t manage it? Does it stop me from doing anything useful at all? Well, no. It’s just a feeling that I get sometimes that puts me in a little ‘down’ mood, a mood which I can just as well break out of the following minute. But it’s always been with me, even though the idea is completely ridiculous. I consider it one of my biggest flaws because it does negatively affect my mood the minute it surfaces. Given that I’ve been studying personal growth and thoughts and emotions a lot the recent months I think I’ll be able to conquer the idea some day. Hell, writing about it is probably a more important step that I realize right now. Perhaps the key lies in feeling good because you’re having fun. After all, your happiness matters to me!

So now you know one of my biggest flaws. It may seem stupid or minor to you, it certainly felt stupid when writing about it, but it’s the way I feel. I hope that someday I’ll be able to cope with it better than I can now. I at least hope you’ve learned a bit more about me and you had a good time reading the article. Though I’m sure you did. After all, you’re always having fun.

Calendar Man

Once I'd quit my course I had made a decision that affected me in more ways than one. The most logical of which being that I didn't have a course and wouldn't be getting my diploma. This also meant that I suddenly had a huge amount of time to spend on, well basically anything I wanted. I was taken away from the social 'working' life that I had known for years now. From now on I would be on my own during the school days.

Being alone for five days a week certainly had some consequences. For example I started to monitor my feelings a lot more than I had done with people around me. I'm a people person so being alone for so long is not very comfortable for me, which was refelcted in the way I felt. Certain events triggered certain feelings and I was curious to see if I could influence this in any way. If I could find a way to steer my emotions towards the more positive side, even in the current circumstances that would be awesome.

The first step I undertook was to monitor my feelings. I was linked towards an awesome site by someone who knew the situation I was in. On the site there was a calendar on which you could register how the day went by putting a certain emoticons on the current day. I immediatly fell in love with the idea and decided to make such a calendar below. Instead of emoticons I would be using words as they are more descriptive in my opinion. The results cn be seen below. For every day of the week I will register my feelings. Because I found that my emotions can change quite drastically in a day I decided to put use two words every day.

The words that I use are the ones that best describe my feelings over the day. Now it should be noted that I didn't have the word Okay right from the start. So if my day went okay I would use the word Awesome instead which may give an incorrect image of how amazing my first weeks were. The later weeks are more reliable and I'm quite proud to say that I haven't really had any terrible days since the 15th. Below I'll show you the words I'm working with. They are ordered from best to worst.

EPIC  -  CONTENT  -  AWESOME  -  OKAY  -  NEUTRAL  -  MEH  -  CRAP

I'm also using my calendar to detail my 30-day trials. My current 30-day trial is playing the keyboard for at least 30 minutes a day. As you can see it's not going partiularly well so far but I'm sure that'll come in the future.

Creating the calendar required very little work yet the results were amazing. It livens up my room and I can keep track of my feelings in a fun and rewarding way. Furthermore any goals I wish to achieve can be added to the calendar, such as my current 30-day trial. I'll certainly create another one for the coming month and, if the idea interests you, I would advise you to do the same. It's way more fun than your regular calendar and you can keep track of anything you want. Of course you can use the idea for a number of other things as well and there is really only one advice I can give you: Go wild!

Personal Growth - Star of the Show

In my quest for personal growth I’ve come across extremely useful information from a number of sources, books mainly. This information corresponded with parts of me that were already aware of the information but had yet to put it into the right perspective. Though I’m quite sure there are a number of ‘self-help’ books that are not as helpful as they claim to be I have found some books which were eye-openers in the areas I needed. This article is a result of information from such a book, “You Can Choose to be Happy” in this case. I would definitely recommend the book to anyone, especially if you find the following information to be as useful as I did when I first read it.

We all have our moments in life where we feel like not all is going as we had hoped it would. Our general emotions may be leaning towards depression. We may feel alone, drained, unappreciated or unsupported. The people around us try to understand and help us but what do they know? They don’t know us as good as we know ourselves. They most likely don’t know how we truly feel.

Have you ever had this happen to you? Have you ever felt like everything was working against you? It’s highly likely that you have. Because sometimes the world doesn’t seem entirely fair. And at times it’s easy to forget the value of everything around you. Everything may feel out of your control and it may seem like your life is living you instead of you living your life.

It’s at times like this that maybe you wish you could be a movie star. The center of attention, the character in the movie that all of the other characters revolve around. Respected and recognized. But that dream may feel like it’s far away, or impossible. You could never fulfill such an important role. Or could you? It’s easy to look at all the depressing things going on and to forget about the things you already have, the things you are. You are the star of your own life!

Think of your life as a movie with yourself as the central character. You are the main character and star. Everything that happens to you is of importance to the plot. The ups and downs in your life define the character of the movie, the central character. And they are all important to the viewer. The viewer wants to watch the main character grow, and keep going no matter how bad the odds. Your growth and development over the course of the movie are the main themes. They define the movie and your life. How are you doing so far?

If you ever do feel down it helps to think of your life as a movie. Every action you take is of importance to the plot, to the main character. Through personal growth a character is born that can face even the toughest challenge. And it will be a movie many would love to see.

Personal Growth

I’m 20 years old, single, live with my parents and don’t go to school or have a job. Through the eyes of society it would be easy to see me as a failure. Indeed looking through the eyes of my 16-year old self I probably would have considered myself a failure. How could I be in this position, and what on Earth could I be doing with my time then? I’ll be telling you all about it in a series of articles entitled Personal Growth. Let’s start at the beginning.

PERSONAL GROWTH PART 1

After I quit college and literally had half a year of doing nothing ahead of me I, with help, worked out an epic schedule of how to spend every day. Every day I would be working from 9:45 to 16:30, be it on finding my life’s goal, finding a new study, finding work or working on personal growth. The first and latter of which have had the most impact on me. Searching for your true life’s goal and working on personal development are activities I would truly encourage everyone to do. And to me it was important that I got to spend so much time on them, far away from the responsibilities of work and college. This half year to me would be all about myself on a level deeper than I had originally imagined.

It’s like some strange mirror. You look at yourself and you see this person, but this person is not really you. You don’t understand his true motivations, don’t know what really drives him or brings him down, what makes him happy or sad. You know of him what you would know of a friend, perhaps not even a good friend. It feels like you only see the outside and the true person that he is, is buried deep beneath the surface, too far for you to see. Yet this person is you. Should you not know everything?

It would surprise people how little they actually know about themselves. It certainly surprised me, shocked me even. It made me feel uncertain of the person I was. But it also fascinated me. How could I know so little of myself, the person I had been for the last 20 years? I was dying to find out more because all the answers would be somewhere in there, hidden from me until the moment I would go deep enough to find them. The answers to questions as, ‘What is my true life’s goal?’, ‘How can I truly be happy?’ and ‘What matters most to me?’. I’m actually very glad to tell you that I have already found the answer to the former but I’ll tell you all about that at a later date.

It’s only been close to half a year that I’ve been truly working on personal development, though the first step was taken about three years ago. I still remember it very well. It was a short monologue, given to me, which lasted about 1 or 2 minutes tops. Yet it changed the way I look at life dramatically, for the better as well. But I’ll get into that moment in a later article as well. For now I want to focus on how I view personal development. This will get us into a nice starting position for future articles about the subject.

As I said working on personal development feels like looking in the mirror but from a third-person perspective. You have to take a look at yourself in an objective way, without judging yourself. This is way harder than it sounds but it’s the first step to change. See once you know what parts of yourself you like and dislike you can choose which parts to enhance and which to discard. These parts are not limited to health, hobbies, career and stuff like that. The deeper parts are about thoughts and emotions you may feel. How does it work with you? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? Which thoughts provoke what kind of emotions? This is all personal development on a deeper level, a level I had never imagined when I first started this all. This is the part where personal development truly becomes personal growth.

When I first started working on personal development I spent time trying to change habits that were either good or bad for me. I would spend more time on the good habits and less on the bad habits. This is an amazing way to change your daily routine and make you a generally happier and better-organized person, but it was only when I started to look at my thoughts and emotions that I truly felt like changing my life and myself. And this is where a lot of my time is going to lately. I’ve been reading books about personal growth and am trying to change myself for the better, even trying to control my thoughts and emotions, a feat I would never have assumed possible before I started this all. I could seriously talk about it all until I collapse, but I think I’ll leave it at this for now. As stated in the beginning of the post, this article was only the start of a series of articles further exploring my take on personal development and growth. I hope you find it as interesting as I do and maybe someday you will go through all these things yourself. Perhaps someday you’ll, like me, experience things you didn’t think were possible at all. 

The Bucket List

Some of you may have already noticed, but for those of you that haven't I'll tell. From now on this blog is divided in pages. So far there are two. The first is the one you are on right now, the homepage so to speak. All the articles I post will be on this page. The other page I have is for my bucket list. Basically it's a list of all the things I want to do before I die. It was hugely inspirational to make and if you want to know a bit more about me it's a great place to have a look. Maybe you could even make one for yourself. I'll regulalrly update my bucket list if I find another goal that I absolutely want to complete before I die, or if I complete a goal. If I do complete a goal I'll probably post an article about it as well. Because well, that's how I am.

Songwriter Special pt. 3

Sometimes when you listen to music you can't help but listen to the text and think to yourself "this is awesome". There are some brilliant songtexts out there which I would love to share, which is why I decided to hold the Songwriter Special. This feature is about songtexts which are absolutely brilliant, be they comical, honest or poetic.


This time it's a mixed bag of poetry and honesty and I find myself loving the song more and more. What is it about? To some it may seem as the life of a rockstar. Sex, drugs, rock and roll and to hell with all the rules. Do everything as you want to and as stated, "live fast and die young". To me there is a deeper meaning to it however. To me it's the choice the artists make. Not content with the 'rules' of everyday life, the drag of the 9 to 5 jobs they choose something else. They choose to step away from the life most people lead and live a life of risks instead. Though I don't think it would be a wise idea to live life as is shown in the song, I do think the song embodies the way some people look at life, including me. I'd rather take risks in life than choose the 9 to 5 job which would not make me happy at all. The song I'm talking about is:


MGMT  -  Time to Pretend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sArxl4TR8K0


I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Sunny Day

Depending on where you live, today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining vividly in the bright blue sky which instantly made everyone's day. All around people seemed happier than usual, which is understandable given all the awful weather we had to endure over the course of the winter. This sudden shift in temperature was certainly a welcome one. Sunlight and good weather make people happy. It's almost a universal truth.

All around people were going outside to sit in the sun. Not doing anything at all actually, just sitting. It's probably becasue of the shift in the weather that people enjoy these early days of Spring more than any other. The long winter is over and we can look forward to a good period of sunshine and warmth. Minor complications seem to be exactly that, minor. They don't matter at the moment as we're too busy enjoying the sun.

Unfortunately this appreciation will eventualy fade. We'll eventually get used to the weather conditions and the minor complications will start bothering us, which is a shame. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could feel the same appreciation for this weather every day. Stop worrying about the small stuff and appreciate life for what it's giving you. It's days like these when I just flat out refuse that life is all bad.

Look at him. This must be the happiest guy in the world right now.

There are reasons we can't feel like this forever though. Hell if we felt like this all the time it would stop feeling special which would be a waste. It would be nice if we could have this effect a bit more though. Like a personal sun in your house which you can turn on if you're feeling a bit down. Actually thinking about it such a thing would be amazing, though a bit impractical. What would be even more amazing, to me at least, would be the possibilty to just take the roof of your house for a few hours. My room is in the attic of the house and I only have a roof window to let those rays of sunshine in. Furthermore I spend a lot of time behind the computer, sometimes working, sometimes not. It would be so cool if I could just take off the roof for a few hours and enjoy the sun to the fullest whilst sitting behind my PC.

That probably sounded really weird but it's one of those things I'd love to see happen. They never do however because the ideas are about as impractical as they come and I'm okay with that. A simpler solution would be to just go outside with a laptop and find a nice place to get some work done. We often see students do this in the summer so why can't adults. Problem for me is that my laptop won't survive for 5 minutes without power. Regardless I always find a reason to go outside on days like these. Because it's weather like this that just begs to be enjoyed to the fullest without overly thinking about it. Even if it's only whilst biking the way home. Soak up those rays of sunshine and enjoy them. You'll likely find that your worries will fade to the background for they do not belong in a place such as this. They're only minor and you have better things to do at the moment. Things such as enjoying the weather.

Back to basics

Wow there sure is a lot of stuff in my room to keep me occupied. First of all I have my keyboard and PS3 to spend countless hours on. Then, if I'm in the mood for reading, I can always find a book or two scattered around. And if I don't feel like doing any of those I can always hop behind my PC which gives me an unlimited amount of things to do. It's no surprise that everyone spends so much time behind a computer nowadays. I can listen to music with Windows Media Player, or write a nice article in a text-editor and, if all else fails, there is always the magnificent thing known as the internet, through which you are reading this very article now. What on Earth would I do if all of those possibilities were taken away from me? Boredom is the first thing that comes to mind but that is actualy not what happens.

About three weeks ago I went on vacation with the rest of the family. One weekend to spend together on a bungalowpark on the island of Texel, which is the largest island in The Netherlands (I'll post a map in a later article for those interested). When going on vacation, no matter for how long, I always conciously decide to leave any technology behind. I wouldn't think about taking my laptop for example as that destroys the idea of vacation for me. When packing I decided to take something else with me, namely a notebook and a pen. Contrary to what you might think this was not for writing. Instead I planned on picking up a hobby from way back in my youth. A hobby I was keen to get back into. Drawing.

I used to draw all kinds of things when I was little. Pokemon, Thunderbirds or even basic things such as numbers. Because I didn't have any technology at my disposal I spent my time drawing my very own stories for Digimon or Pokemon, alone or with friends. Unfortunatley I never got far with any of my stories. When I got older I started drawing less and less until finally I was only drawing on very rare occasions. It was the fear of not being able to draw anymore that stopped my from going back to it. If I were to draw again it would surely end in disaster.

A year ago I finally made a drawing again, now in a completely different style than I was used to, and it turned out great. Even though I was very excited to continue drawing I didn't do so eventually. Can't really tell why either. On Texel, where I had no technology around to distract me, I picked up drawing again. I started drawing a chocobo from the FFX strategy guide which I had also brought with me. The results can be seen below. I think it turned out brilliantly and am really pleased with it. Proud of it even. Not only did I draw something really cool myself I also got the other kids into drawing. Sometimes we would sit at the table, 4 of us drawing for hours. It was great fun and I hope they enjoyed it was much as I did.

All in all I hope I'll continue drawing this time around. A drawing such as this one takes me about 6 hours to complete, however. And it's not always tempting to start drawing when the chances of failure are rather big. Given the things I've learned over the last years though, this shouldn't stop me. After all, if I have to go through 20 wasted drawings to get one that looks as good as my chocobo I would be happy to. I hope the other kids feel the same way.

Talent

There have been numerous talks about Charlie Sheen and his recent behaviour. I had one such talk with my parents yesterday. They said something along the lines of him wasting his talent because of his reckless behaviour. Which got me thinking about exactly that. Talent?

Because what exactly is talent? I guess the most common answer you'll find is that it's a natural ability to do something quite well. Let's take playing the keyboard as an example. Someone with talent would no doubt be good without much practice, while someone with no talent would take an extremely long time to learn even the simplest songs. Sounds logical so far, right?

The problem I have with this prinicipal is that talent is often attributed to people who are good at something. I don't agree with it. Sure there may be some people who are indeed talented at something and became famous with them, but if everyone who is famous was talented in their specific area where does that leave the average Joe? Is it not possible that someone became very good in a certain field because of hard work? Attributing it all to talent is not giving the artist enough credit.

Most people who become famous in a field, and I'll use the music industry as an example, have only gotten that far because they worked really hard to get there. If you want to become a really good keyboard player, talent alone is not going to cut it. You need dedication and hard work, and lots  of it. Do you think that the great keyboardists(is that a word?) out there have gotten to where they are only because of their talent. I highly doubt it.

Attributing everything to talent also creates a vacuum between the people we see on tv and the people we are. Think about it. If I have to answer whether I think I'm talented at something I would have to answer  negative. I don't excel in any area so I don't have a talent for something, or at least have yet to discover it. The same goes for nearly all of my friends. There are only 1 or 2 who I would call talented in a certain field. The rest is not. Does that mean we can't become good at something? Hopefully not. If that would be the case I might as well give up my dreams now. How could I compete against the talented people with my limited skillset.

I'm not trying to say that talent doesn't exist, actually I'm pretty sure it does. I believe that talent provides us with a considerable advantage and disadvantage. Let's look at the advantage first. There is no doubt that having talent gives you a considerable advantage over people with no talent. If someone with no talent were to start playing guitar for example, he would find it extremely difficult. It would take him a long time before he would finally be able to play his first chord or song. On the other hand if someone with talent would start playing guitar I imagine he would pick up the first chords rather quickly. It wouldn't be all to long before he would be able to play his first song.

The advantage given to people with talent is bigger than it may seem. When trying to learn something, the most important feedback we get are the results from what we play. If I were to pick up a guitar now and play something it would no doubt sound like crap. This informs me that I am not very good at playing the guitar. A talented person would get much better feedback. He could play a chord which will sound nice. He gets feedback which informs him he is doing good. This will make it much easier for him to continue playing as he already has a sense of satisfaction while I have to make do with my negative feedback. It will take me some time to get the chord right, all the while getting bad feedback for every misstrum I make. The only thing that will keep me going on is dedication. I'm much more likely to quit playing guitar than the talented person is. This is exactly what happens in real life. Untalented people become discouraged by the negative feedback they recieve and they simply stop playing alltogether. They need way more dedication than the talented player to keep going.

The disadvantage is that because someone is talented in something they may not find it challenging enough and stop playing, arguably wasting their talent.

In the end talent is nice to have but it only affects your starting position. Sure a talented person would have it easier in the beginning but he would need dedication to keep going as well. Because that´s all there is to it. If you want to become good at something your most important tool will be dedication. The dedication to keep going even when things aren´t looking up, and believe me these times will come. And those people on tv. Well they´re probably where they are right now because of that exact same thing, dedication to become good at what they like. So next time you look at someone and think: Wow that guy sure is talented; try to look a bit further. You have every chance to become as good as they are. And don't be discouraged if, like 99% of the population, you haven't got a talent. Because in the end talent is only a bonus. It's not necessary to get far. That would be dedication. And we can all get that.

Songwriter Special pt. 2

Sometimes when you listen to music you can't help but listen to the text and think to yourself "this is awesome". There are some brilliant songtexts out there which I would love to share, which is why I decided to hold the Songwriter Special. This feature is about songtexts which are absolutely brilliant, be they comical, honest or poetic.


And poetic is what describes the next song the best. What it means to me is the following. We all have our weaknesses, it's something you can't deny. Sometimes they show their ugly heads and influence the way in which we behave, mostly for the worse. It's at times like this that we, and our friends, need to realise who we really are. They need to 'dig us up from what's covering the better part of us' and never forget that this better part is still present. The song I'm talking about is:

Incubus  -  Dig
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2gUL8vQj68

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
and ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.

We all have someone that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

Oh, each other
When everything else is gone.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh

If I turn into another,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

Oh, each other
When everything else is gone.

Oh, each other
When everything else is gone.

This is Me

Well here it is. The blogpost that should shed some light on who I am and why I started this blog. The ‘What’s This’ 2.0 post if you will. Like in that post let's start with me again.

I’m an extraverted person who cares a great deal about the people around him. According to the Jungian personality test I’m what’s known as the ‘Giver’. I quote from the personality page: “They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.” The full article can be found here: http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ.html

This may sound extremely praising but that’s because it describes the Giver at its best. Of course I’m nowhere near this level yet but the article does show what kind of a person I am and what I value. I won’t go further into that though. I’ll be talking a bit about my interests now. To put it plainly I have an interest in 4 things mainly: Personal growth for myself and others,  Playing Music,  Writing  and  Gaming. There’ll be an article each about all four of these in the near future.

The second part of this post is about why I started this blog to begin with. What was my goal? Simply put, when I started this blog I didn’t really know. I was going through some major changes, especially concerning personal growth and where I would go with my future. A blog is a way for one to put his thoughts on paper. Go over your thoughts again in your head and write them down. You’ll be surprised by the effect this has. It provides a great deal of structure for yourself and helps you clear your head a bit. I think I needed confirmation of the person who I am and this blog helps me discover that. It may seem clear to those who read it but when I’m writing a post I have to think about everything I say, which gives me the opportunity to look at things from a different angle. So in the end this blog is, to me, a way to categorize my thoughts and discover the person I am. It also helps me to show my true self to everyone who reads it, a skill I haven’t mastered really but I’ll get into that at a later point as well.

In short, I’m extremely grateful if you read this blog and I hope you find it interesting. It should provide some insight in the person I am on a deeper level. Also I hope that you can use topics I write about as a reflection point for yourself. How do you view these topics and what is your stance in life? As for that photo, well I still owe you that I’m afraid.

The Game

Ok as I didn't really have a gameplan whilst creating this blog things might have gotten a bit messy. Those reading the blog who don't know me personally may find it hard to follow some parts I'm writing. I keep rambling on about myself and my views in life without ever explaining who I am. Therefore, the next post will be all about that. Who am I, hopefully with a picture this time.

This post however, will be all about one of my oldest hobbies. See while I've only started working on most of my hobbies in recent years, gaming has always been and will always be a great hobby of mine. I love spending time doing things that would never be possible in real life. I'm not the kind of person who would go on a rampage through the streets, running over innocent people and shooting all around as I go. Yet it's great fun to do in GTA. Though thinking about it, that's probably not the best example.

See I like to immerse myself in the world of a game. It's similar as to watching a film, it only truly comes to life when you are immersed in it and you believe in the world and characters. This is why I love fantasy games so much. Games that put me in a world that could not normally exist. Whether it's an epic struggle for survival against an alien race in Resistance or wandering around the beautifully creative landscapes of LittleBigPlanet. Games give a sense of satisfaction and wonder.

The plus side is that games, like films, can be enjoyed by just yourself or a group of friends. I've spent many a day gaming with friends trying to either work together or against each other to complete objectives. It's great fun. While writing this though, I realise that gaming has actually gotten so big that it's impossible for me to sum it up in this article. There are so many reasons for me to pick up a game and play, so many games for all my different needs that it would take me ages to describe them all. It would be enough to mention that whether I'm coming home from a hard day at work and looking for some relaxation or spending a day with friends trying to best each other, gaming is able to satisfy my needs. It has been since I was twelve and will most likely be when I'm 70. Like film, games can be whatever you want them to be. Even art. If you want proof of that just look for a video on YouTube with a gameplay clip from Flower. You may not get it right away but, having played it, I find it mesmerising.

Keep Me Here

Just a quick post here, nothing too fancy. Though it's actually about the most important things in my life: my life's goal. See as I have so much time on my hands now, after quitting my course, I have decided to spend this time wisely, by searching for my life's goal. I mean: what is it? What would make me the happiest person on Earth? I dunno.

I think it's something everyone would like answered about their life, their ultimate goal. Well in about half an hour I'll be focussing myself on this very thing completely. How am I going to do that? Well I have no idea whatsoever. Really I don't. I think I'll just try some things. Write down things I love, things that'll make me happy. Ask myself questions. Anything to get that brain of mine working. Though I don't think I'll get extremely meaningful results today it'll still be very interesting.

As a popular t-shirt says: "I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here".

Songwriter Special pt. 1

Sometimes when you listen to music you can't help but listen to the text and think to yourself "this is awesome". There are some brilliant songtexts out there which I would love to share, which is why I decided to start the Songwriter Special. This feature is about songtexts which are absolutely brilliant, be they comical, honest or poetic.

The first is a song which is a stab to all the critics who criticized the band for being fake and playing music to make money and be aired on the radio. As is stated "I'm only playing music 'cause you know i fucking love it". Here's the songtext to a song which is, in my opinion, a brilliant opening to an album which may not be praised by critics but which consists of the music the band wants to make.

Cage the Elephant  -  In One Ear
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si8qP_isBb4

They say that we ain't got the style, we ain't got the class
We ain't got the tunes that's goin' to put us on the map
And I'm a phony in disguise, tryin' to make the radio
I'm an anti-social anarchist who sounds like so and so

They say I'm just a stupid kid, just a crazy radical
Rock and roll is dead, I probably should've stayed in school
Another generation X who somehow slipped up through the crack
Oh, they'd love to see me fall but I'm already on my back

So it goes in one ear and right out the other
People talkin' shit but you know I never bother
It goes to one ear and right out the other
People talkin' shit, they can kiss the back of my hand

Now I know I'm not a saint, I been a sinner all my life
I ain't tryin' to hide my flaws, I'd rather keep them in the light
They wanna criticize, scrutinize, cast another stone
Burn me at the stake and sit and watch it from the throne

They say the devil is my pal, I do a lotta drugs
The crowd will only like me if they're really fuckin' drunk
They think they know my thoughts, but they don't know the least
If they listened to the words they'd find the message that's beneath

But it goes in one ear and right out the other
People talkin' shit even though they never bother
It goes in one ear and right out the other
People talkin' shit, they can kiss the back of my hand

You hear that? You hear what's comin'?
Oh, you better run for the hills 'cause we're comin' to your town
And we're gonna burn that motherfucker down

Here's the moral to the story, we don't do it for the glory
We don't do it for the money, we don't do it for the things
So all the critics who despise us go ahead and criticize us
It's your charity that drives us, adds the fire to our flames

And it goes in one ear and right out the other
People talkin' shit but you know I never bother
It goes in one ear, and right out the other
I'm only playin' music 'cause you know I fuckin' love it

It goes in one ear and right out the other
People talkin' shit but you know I never bother
It goes in one ear, and right out the other
People talkin' shit, they can kiss the back of my hand

The Half-Year Gap

It's strange, you see I really have fallen into a half-year gap but it's only half as enjoyable as I thought it would be. My course has now officialy finished, I'm done. Not in the "here's your diploma, have fun" kind of way though. More in the "oh it's a shame to see you go" kind of way. I have officialy quit my course, deciding this is not the right one for me. That in itself wasn't an easy decision as it meant I had to find a new course to follow in an entirely new setting. If this wasn't best for my future than what would be? After listing all the pro's-and-con's and having made my decision I haven't looked back however. I had made my choice and fully supported it.

In fact one of the few pro's in favor of my current course was the people I had met. They sure were a lovely bunch and were closer to me than I sometimes care to admit. Losing them would surely be something I would terribly regret. I decided to postpone quitting my course by half a year in order to do one last project with them. It turned out to be one of my best decisions ever. We had a lot of fun slaving away at "Time Therapy" and became even closer as a group. I also grew closer to some new people, who became a huge inspiration for me.

We, as Quark, became an extremely streamlined group all completely used to each other and the proces. Not everything went smooth of course, but overal I think we have become a group extremely well capable of handling our own projects, which is something we'll put to use in the future. You see even now that our project is over and Time Therapy is done we are still working on projects together, the most important being a great concept for a website which I'll share at a later stage. These projects keep us all in contact with each other and may eventually even earn us some money. Hopefully.

Last Thursday it was time for the assessment in which we had to explain how we handled the project and would be awarded EC's for our work and different aspects of the project, for example Quality Monitoring & Implementation. The assessment went extremely well and everyone went home with more than the 30 EC's you should get for a project, the top one getting about 49 I think. After the assessment we had two days to spend with the group before it would all be over. We stayed at a members house those days and went dining out together, which was great fun. It's always the smallest members that eat the most, strangely. After those two days it was time for one final thing: the Global Game Jam.

If you're wondering what the Global Game Jam is this might point you in the right way: http://www.globalgamejam.org/wiki/basic-questions#what I'll also give a brief explanation. The goal of the GGJ is to bring many game enthousiasts together to form groups and build a game over the weekend, following a certain theme. The theme this year was Extinction and our group was, unsurprisingly, Quark. Sadly Daryll and Hanny couldn't come so it was just the four of us and a new person we had met there. Over the weekend we were working hard, or hardly working, on a game that would be awesome and would gain us first place. We ended up with a card-game that involves bluffing about one's allegiance, trying to suck up to both leaders in order to advance and win. Though the game was not at it's best yet, which is logical as we only had 3 days, we did WIN the GGJ at our location. I can't think of a better way to end my fantastic time I had at Communication and Multi-Media Design.

Thanks to everyone who I met during that time and who is awesome. We'll surely keep in contact.

Moving on

Hands shaking, palms sweating he sits down, thinking to himself  'Fuck yeah'. That's how I felt after my 'performance' was over. Sure I was a nervous wreck minutes before but the feeling after surely can't be beaten. I had to play piano while a girl was singing along with the songs, 3 in total. It was all part of a project in which students at a course had to cook and serve a full meal for their parents and guardians. We had to play the songs during the main course, because nothing beats dining under the comfort of a soft piano melody. I believe some photo's were taken which I hope I'll recieve soon.

The songs didn't all go flawless however. During the second song I made some mistakes right at the start of the piano solo -.-, talk about timing. Also we had to stop midway during the 3rd song only to resume seconds later. Reason: the singer started laughing when someone started taking photo's of her. Was it terrible? Well no. Thankfully parents aren't the toughest audience to have and they loved us.

Overal I'm just happy that I said yes when I was asked to play and originally only had about 8 days to practice. It wouldn't have been strange to refuse in such a situation but I would've missed out on an amazing experience. Also I'll be having a lot of free time soon because my course ends in the coming days(more on that subject soon). This means I'll have a lot of time to improve my piano skills. I hope I'll improve drastically in the coming months so that when an opportunity such as this arises I'll be better equipped. It would be awesome to be able to play Comptine d'un Autre Etê perfectly. It's the piece I've been looking foward to since buying a keyboard and I'll start practicing it after I finish a song I'm working on now. Honestly, I can't wait.

Ba-dum tish

So it’s Friday which means two things: Weekend and Pie. To me it also meant something else today, namely stress. 21th of January is the official deadline for every project in the minor Game Design. It became time to close the chapter that is Time Therapy or, as you may know it, Alec Thorne: Memorabilia.

We had to turn in everything we had at exactly 12:00am. It all had to be handed over neatly on a disc containing the game itself, our Game Design Document and every interview result, sketch or moodboard we had left. Naturally to get this all together meant a lot of stress the previous night. Although, thinking back on it I’m rather stress free at these times. All of the work does take up most of the night though so I’ll have to do with some extra sleep during the weekend.

Even this morning everything was still being put together until, at about 11:15, we were finally able to burn the disc correctly. And then it was done. The project was ready to be assessed by the teachers. Everyone had worked hard to deliver the best product possible. My focus these last weeks went mostly to the editing and exporting of the intro sequence using some great images created by the amazing Concept Artist Hanny.

When we started playing our game on the disc that would be handed to the teachers there were some mixed feelings. See if you’ve been working on something so focused for such a time you only start to pay attention to the things that can be improved. I could still spend hours tweaking the intro sequence to be even better despite everyone saying it’s actually really good as it is now. Seeing everyone’s hard work come together to form this product was immensely satisfying though. This is something we created together, in which each of us had our part to play. And we played them wonderfully.

This week was also a start of something very exciting. I finally got to go to my first drum lesson together with Robin. Even playing some simple rhythms(lovely word) was amazing and I can’t wait for the second lesson. If only there was an easy way to have your personal drum kit at home without waking the entire neighborhood. Ah well, I’m more than satisfied with my keyboard for now, though I think it’s only a matter of time until he’s accompanied by another instrument. Some things are just too awesome not to have.

The Theory

Whoops, it’s been quite a long time since my latest blog post hasn’t it. I was planning on updating the blog about two or three times a week but I haven’t got around to updating it so far. I would’ve done it sooner but… I need my sleep you know!

As it turns out this last week has been quite a busy one. I am doing my final project for college and am extremely close to the deadline. With, in my humble opinion, the most awesome group ever we are creating a point-and-click adventure game. This game is about Alec Thorne who must travel into his own memories to discover a terrible incident from his past which left him with a permanent fear of the dark. By reliving previously hidden memories the player will find out exactly what happened.

It’s the last project I’m doing before I quit my course. Actually I already quit my course in September but I’m finishing this project for a number of reasons. First off I was one of the people who started the project, this being a project the others and I really wanted to do. Secondly the group in which I am working is so awesome I couldn’t bear not seeing them anymore. Thankfully we already have plans for after this project so I’ll remain in contact with every last one of them, fuck yeah.

The third reason is that while I will not be getting any EC’s with this project I’ll still be creating a wonderful portfolio product. Among others I was allowed to write the story, which is pretty important to the game. There are a lot of other small reasons but these are the main ones. I wouldn’t have found a new course within these few months anyway so I see this time as anything but wasted.

Anyway I’m getting off track. I’ve been having some busy weeks lately as there are numerous things I have to complete. I’m still practicing for the show, which was rescheduled to the 25^th, thank God, and which is taking up at least an hour a day. Furthermore I’m off to college at 7:45 and return at about 18:00. I’m also working on a side project which is taking up quite some time every week and try to do the miscellaneous tasks in-between.

Does it bother me that I’m having so little free time at the moment? Well, no. Actually I love it. Everything I do now, I do with a focus. A focus on improving myself and the things I like to do in the future. In short: within a year I’ll be a super self disciplined, focused and efficient worker getting the most out of my life in every possible way. That’s the theory at least. Now to make it work.

Sing Me a Song, You're the Piano Man

So it's the second blog post and it's all about a little situation I find myself in. A situation which is both extremely frightening and exhilarating... at the same time.

It started about a month ago when I was in the car with some friends. A good friend of mine, Aftaab, told me about a friend of his(getting confused already?) who would be performing a couple of songs for a small crowd at school. She would be doing the singing herself but she still needed some instrumentals. You can probably guess where the story is going from here on.

Aftaab asked me if I was interested in playing piano with her. Though such an offer would have likely scared me into saying no in the past I decided to take this opportunity and said yes. I would be recieving a list with a couple of songs from which I could choose. Together we would play the songs that were managable for us both to learn in the short period of time. The performance is held the 18th of January. I recieved the list with songs on the 30th of December.

Well that still gives me about 20 days right? Well, wrong unfortunately. See it was on the 8th of January that we finally chose the songs to play. So that left me with only 9 days to learn two new songs and perfect two old ones O.o. Not only do I have to know the parts but I must also be able to play them in harmony with her singing.

With such a short deadline I knew I had to work hard and suprisingly enough I managed to work towards my goal with great dedication. Nothing like a nearing deadline to start taking action ey :P  To be honest I don't know if I'll learn the 4th song on time but I'll do my stinking best. It still scares me to think about the performance we will be giving, the mistakes I may make. Yes I've had these awkward feelings about me completely ruining a song and thus the performance but isn't that only natural. To feel some stress and anxiety. When I look beyond it though I see a golden opportunity for me to experience such a thing and that is what drives me forward every day.

This post actually got a bit longer than I originally intended and I still haven't said everything I wanted to say. Don't worry, I'll damage your brain no longer with my writing. I guess I just wanted you to know what I'm going through at the moment. No doubt an exhilarating time, but also a fairly scary one. If my nerves don't get the better of me within the coming days I'll update this blog to show that I'm still ticking. Hopefully, at the right rhythm.

What's This?

Well, this marks the beginning of an interesting and entertaining blog, hopefully, in which I will talk about things in my life and life in general which fascinate me. Before I go article-crazy though I'd like to take it to the basics in this post. That is: Who am I and why do I have this blog?

Let's start with who I am, shall we? My name is Robert Nieuwenhuis and as I'm writing this I am a 20 year old male living in Drachten, The Netherlands. Though I expect to stay male for quite a while my age and location will no doubt change in the future and I hope to be able to look back at this blog 5 years from now with a satisfied grin on my face. In recent years I have changed a lot to a very optimistic person looking to do things that excite me and to fulfill my personal goals. Personal growth is something I am really into so you'll be reading a lot about it here. I'll no doubt be posting more about my person in the future so this'll have to do for now. Most of you reading this know me personally anyway :P


Moving on to the blog itself, or better said why I am doing this. To be honest, I have no idea. But I find it fun already. I guess it is a nice way for me to express myself. Being an aspiring writer I like to write(duh) so a blog seems like a natural step for me. With every article my writing catelogue increases which is awesome. Multiple people have actually suggested this to me as I like to talk and write about interesting things in life and this is a good way to share it with everyone interested.

I can't say right now where this blog will go in the future. I am definitely changing the look(except if you're reading this years after the post was made, in which case the look is awesome) so I'll have to ask some people for their precious time. As for the rest I am as much in the dark as you. Expect some posts about the things I encounter in life and things about life in general. If you like it stick around. After all, making an interesting article to read is to me an important goal which I hope to achieve with every post.