Flawed in a Way

On this blog I’ve been talking openly about myself quite a lot. I’ve made articles about my personality, the way I view certain aspects of life and about things that I’ve experienced. Yet I’ve never made an article about something else that defines me: my flaws. It’s time for that to change, so this article will be all about one of my biggest flaws. Most people don’t know about it yet so I hope it’ll give them a bit more insight in the person I am. Also, maybe people can share their own views of this article as that would likely give me some new insights as well.

I don’t actually know the origin of the flaw, though I can venture a guess. It started when I was about 15/16 years old. My friends were all at the same age and it is at this time that you first start to go out. Going to pubs, clubs, it’s how everyone at that age spends his Saturday evening and night. However I was never really fond of going out to clubs. I didn’t like it, as I would often say ‘it wasn’t my thing’. My friends did like it though, so they went out to clubs a lot. Most of the time we would be spending a Saturday afternoon at a friend’s place just having fun when everyone would go out leaving me to go to bed.

Now you needn’t feel sorry for me, if you do :p. I love going to clubs now and have become much more ‘loose’ as a person than I was before. However one thing has always stuck. It’s quite hard to explain but I’ll do my best. When I’m alone in my room I can't help but shake the feeling that everyone around me is having a much better time than I am. I’m sitting here alone, not having much fun, but everyone around me is probably having a blast. They’re probably enjoying themselves doing activities they enjoy doing. These activities can be as simple as gaming, something which I often do myself. However, even when I’m gaming, an activity I enjoy doing, I can still get these feelings. I think you’re always having fun.

I can’t fathom the notion that the people around me have times at which they feel anxiety or where they are unhappy. I don’t believe they feel the same way as I do, and that they might have their ‘down’ moments as well. The realist in me knows that this is the case but my emotional side just can’t grasp the idea. In my world, if I’m sitting in my room doing nothing and you’re sitting in your room doing nothing, you’re having more fun. Even when writing it down the realist in my is laughing at the mere notion but it’s something that feels very real and it’s the way I’ve been feeling or as long as I can remember.

Does this feeling bother me to a degree that I can’t manage it? Does it stop me from doing anything useful at all? Well, no. It’s just a feeling that I get sometimes that puts me in a little ‘down’ mood, a mood which I can just as well break out of the following minute. But it’s always been with me, even though the idea is completely ridiculous. I consider it one of my biggest flaws because it does negatively affect my mood the minute it surfaces. Given that I’ve been studying personal growth and thoughts and emotions a lot the recent months I think I’ll be able to conquer the idea some day. Hell, writing about it is probably a more important step that I realize right now. Perhaps the key lies in feeling good because you’re having fun. After all, your happiness matters to me!

So now you know one of my biggest flaws. It may seem stupid or minor to you, it certainly felt stupid when writing about it, but it’s the way I feel. I hope that someday I’ll be able to cope with it better than I can now. I at least hope you’ve learned a bit more about me and you had a good time reading the article. Though I’m sure you did. After all, you’re always having fun.